Miracle's On The Way

I've been searching for something in this life.
I'm still thinking about something vague.
I'll be something for this world.
Something I don't even know.
Something I still wondering what it is.

But I knew, God made me for one, or maybe million, small thing.
But I knew, God let me FIND those small things.
But I knew, God arrange my way.
No doubt, I really believe he sent me miracle all the time. I just didn't realize it.

What happened, what's happening, and what will happen, I dont care. As long as I know I'm still living and being me. I'll ready to make a brighter future because God said so about human that we are created for one mission, develop this world until it's being greater and more promisable to be lived.

I curious sometimes, what's in my head? I'm changing all the time. My mood is going up and down fast. Throw me to the fact that I'm just human. I make sins. I do bad things. But still, I'm the absolute owner of my life until I die someday.

People, you know you worth to be living. Why punish yourself for being nothing. For having a thing, there should be nothing. Be good and try to be better. There's no punishment for living. There's just punishment for them who live disgusting.

I want to be good, better, and be someone someday somewhere somehow I ready to be, according to God's plan.

Shit but Sweet

No shit what sweet. But I got my shit what sweet in this case.

I have too many things to do these fucking busy days. Yeah, too many. Let's make a list. (Oh, how I miss a list!)

1. School
2. Tests
3. Tasks
4. Homeworks
5. Lessons outside school
6. Some HOME works (my last maid quits. Poor.)

Well, maybe it's just a SIX-LIST. But when you go on your life with that SIX-LIST, you'll feel terrible. Yeah, it's terrible enough for me now. And those are what I call it shits.

Don't say : "Well, college life is more suck than yours". "Work is worse." "Unemployee is nothing terrible comparing to yours." NO NO NO ! Please don't say any comment or words what comparing my lists to yours. It's different.

First, UNFORTUNATELY, I'm just a messy, silly, 17 years old girl. I've never felt college life, working to earn money, nor being you. It's just my list, my business, and my terrible days.

I know, when life's moving on, everything will be worse and messier. But for me now, my days are unstoppable, even for making up my dirty and untidy room !

Back to the topic. These shits, I mean, these routine isn't killing me like usual. I feel it sweet. I really feel like I'm in a tournament. If I fall, I'll fail. If I keep running, I'll win. It's conditionals and depends on me. I love it. Really.

That's my first "REASON". The second reason is, I've been being so sweet in school. I do every tasks, well done in every single tests, and I got my schedule messy but still OK. I feel like I'm living. Idk, when was the last time you feel as your dream and your future went along together and you're near to it.. It's my opinion and wishes now :)

As A Daughter, I REALLY Love You.

Sometimes I hate the way I think about my parents. While I never try to realize how strong they survive to make me being " someone" someday. I angry to them. I hate them. I talk behind them. Then what? Hurt them? Yeah, I did.

Sometimes I realize how bad my thoughts.But I just cannot change it. It insists me to be as I want to be. Worse, I let it grow in my life casually. Again, YEAH, casually.

I realize that Mom hold me close to her. Either my daddy does. But they try to figure out what am I and who I am. They let me free to arrange everything in my life. Still, I keep begging to get more from them. Even though they hardly give it to me, but still they manage to fulfill my wishes.

Well, I'm just a daughter whom figure an actor as a daddy is cool. I'm just a daughter whom think a fashionable mom is great. I'm just a girl whom think money could buy everything. I'm just a girl whom hate the rules and requirement. I'm just a girl whom wanna success without any work. Stupid.

Once, I found myself crying out loud in the night. Just because of broken heart.
Once, I found myself surrender. Just because of my suck school schedule and I failed on it.
Once, I found myself rude and weird. Just because I don't have a glamour life.
Sometimes, I realize how fool I am.
Sometimes, too rarely to happen.
Then I found myself behaving just like how worst I've done.

Dear them who love me since I haven't came to this world yet,
So sorry to make you disappointed many times. So sorry for doing such as a damn-fool girl. So sorry for keep telling that I'm right and you do wrong. So sorry for acting as I AM mature when I AM not. So sorry for let you into my trouble and have the responsible for it.

I just cant stand how I really want to be mature soon. I just cant stand how I want to be MORE when I know I cant. I just cant stand alone. :')